Wednesday Weigh-In

259.0

You deserve more of a post than this, and I'll get one up soon.
I have maintained for this last month, in light of everything I've had going on and I'm calling it good!
You can follow more at my pink toes.

"Enough" of a Photo Comparison

Why I decided to take and post pics today, with no makeup and a shiny face is a little beyond me, but I did - so, here they are.

I always love looking at other people's progress pics - I can see the changes and love to scrutinize the side-by-side comparisons. But when it comes to my own, I loathe them. It's not that I don't like to post photos of myself - I don't even flinch from posting particularly unflattering ones - it's just that the "before" and "after" never seem like enough in mine. I realize this "not enough" feeling is a theme in my life that I'm still working through. So for today, I decided that these were enough for me.

You can click on any of them to see a bigger version (if you're feeling particularly brave). I see the biggest changes in my chin(s) and in my "butt shelf". (And - sadly - my shrinking boobs). I've had to give a bunch of clothes away and am firmly into a size 24 Lands' End/Eddie Bauer (which to me are a size smaller than Lane Bryant's 24 - at LB, I'm a 22ish now). I also like the way my shirts sit better.

I need to sit with this and let it be enough for now. I need to celebrate the steps and the long hard work along the way.

It's a little hard to see, but the right is "now" and the left is "then". From these two photos, there's a change of 41.5 pounds. My "total loss" right now is about 53 pounds (my highest pre-Band weight was 312 on 1/07).

Some progress pics:

Budging and Not Budging

Well, cutting my portions in half is finally working. The scale has been at 263 for the last 4 days, so I’ll finally take that number as “real”. It has taken a very long time to get here – especially since I already blipped here once, but I'm glad I finally made it.

I'm continuing with the brisk walking. It alone didn't seem to make a shred of difference on the scale, sadly, but I know in the long run it will be very important. I feel stronger, and I know how much my body loves it. I really really didn't want to go today. I was feeling crummy - muscles hurting, tired, blah - but went ahead and did it anyway because it was Wednesday by golly, and on Wednesday I walk. I did as always: start by telling myself I only have to go 20 minutes, and ended up going 40. I felt so much better after, it was uncanny. My body truly craves exercise - I have to make it a priority, whether or not it affects the scale.

On another note, I saw a message tonight on a board I read about a woman who just got pre-approval for her Band from my same insurance company. The one that said they didn't pre-approve. The one that denied me 3 times. I'm still a bit bitter. We're working on it as best we can, but at the same time we're having to make payments - to a collections agency. That makes me feel like total crap. We've always had good credit: to be paying a collections agency feels scary and failure-ish. I don't like to think about it because I'm supposed to think Happy! Positive! thoughts, but I think all these negative experiences have soured me toward my Band (and my clinic, and my insurance company). I'm still praying and working on it, hoping it will come out all right in the end.

Field Trip to the Familiar

So I went in for a fill today. I was up 5 pounds. Truthfully, for how bad this last month has been, I got off easy. That and it’s my monthly-bloating time, so the damage may not even be a whole 5 pounds. But still, 5 pounds up is NOT where I should be going. That only makes me about 12 pounds down since LAST AUGUST.

I have debated whether or not to go in and finally bit the bullet and went today. I have been wide open lately. Pizza-open. Bagels-open. If you have a Band, you KNOW that’s wide, wide open.

But I have so much self-doubt. Am I really that open? Or am I just pushing it? I remember what it was like to choke on a bit of bread, so I really think it’s that I need more fill. Or is it that I’m just a failure? As always. As every time before.

My mind wants to hop on the subway to Crazy Shame Town. It’s a free trip for me, on account of all the times I’ve been there. It’s where I get to stop by the Mirror of Doom, throw coins into the Goddess of Numbers fountain, head over to the May-as-Well-Binge all-night diner, catch the cinema double feature of “This Time it Will be Different” followed by “No It Won’t – You’re Forever a Failure”, and wind up the visit with a long walk through the Hang Your Head You Disgusting Blob of Fat park.

The nurse today was the usual mix of encouragement “It’s only 5 pounds – you were on vacation. You’ll get it off no problem” and shame “What are you doing eating crap like that? When you’ve still got 80 pounds to lose like you do, you shouldn’t even let yourself near that stuff!” Um, thanks? Really, does that shame stuff work on folks? If it did, wouldn’t we all be Kiera-Knightly-thin by now? If shame=ability to lose weight, I’d be in rehab with an IV right now, hanging on to consciousness. Is it really helpful to get it from the very same clinic that assured you they were there to help and that they understood why all the shaming/etc of your past didn't work?

I need some focus and some clarity. In a few areas of my life. It’s coming – I hope. Slowly.

"Filling" In

I had another fill today. This brings me up to 8.5 in my Band. At the office, I was down to 277.4, a loss of 2.5 pounds since my last fill 3 weeks ago. So things seem to finally be moving. I've decided to use the clinic weight as my "official" weight, because our scale here seems to be a bit flaky. The scales at the clinic are finely calibrated to 1/10th of a pound, so I'm going to use those. I'm thinking they're a bit more reliable than the Target clearance-aisle scale I have here - the one that is frequently jumped on by my boys and has sadly seen more than its share of over-flowing bathwater.

I made a graph with my stats that should update dynamically every time I add new data. It's probably about time for some pictures, too! What do you think? Is anyone still out there? I think I'm just now getting the hang of this band thing....

So, the Lap-Band Update

Well, since I last wrote anything of substance about it, I have had two fills. And boy, have they finally made a difference. I know I’ve said it before, but I really truly finally feel restriction.

How do I know this time is “the real deal”?

• FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I have thrown up for eating too much (not just eating too fast, or not chewing enough). It was last weekend at a soccer party for my son. The avocado dip another mom made was Just. Too. Good. And I had a couple chip-fuls too many. Thankfully I could feel the trouble brewing and was able to make it to the bathroom (and thankfully it was empty except for me).
• I am finally feeling “full”. As in, when I obey the rules and adhere to “mealtimes” (snacking will kill you with the Band), I am not hungry. No more watching the clock and debating with myself – I’m truly Not Hungry. This is amazing.
• In a combination of the above two items, I am finally experiencing what Bandsters refer to as the “soft stop”. I believe a “hard stop” is what happened to me at the soccer party (easting too much and then having to PB/throw some up). The soft stop for me feels like a constricting of my stoma. I feel like I’m getting signals to not eat any more. If I disobey, I get the hard stop (PB). This is all new since my last fill on October 24th, so I’m still learning.
• I am learning to take small bites and chew chew chew. I know this is what we are supposed to do, but until the above happened, it was easy to forget. Now it is essential.

The scale numbers haven’t gone down much, but I’ve finally gone down a whole size or two: instead of being a 26/28, I’m most definitely a 24/2x. I was able to dig out some old favorite clothes and get rid of my 3x’es. I also had to get new bras.

I’m currently at 272, but my period is due any minute. I always thought that meant I was heavier and would lose after my period started, but a friend of mine always loses weight just before hers starts. I have no idea any more. But since I’m doing this NaBloPoMo thing to get back into the care and feeding of this blog, you’ll hear more numbers from me soon.

A Not-So-Brief Update

Thanks to those of you who keep coming by and keep encouraging me. I’ve been off the grid for a while here and everywhere else in my electronic and "real" life. It was so bad that one of my best friends called last week, asking me where on earth I was “You’re nowhere on the internet. I know that means Bad Things for you.” I’m so grateful for friends like that.

I wanted to wait until I had a great post for you all – you know, one wittily written and full of amazing insight. That just hasn’t happened, so I decided to post a little catch-up blurb instead.

I’ve been under amazing stress in my personal life. The stress is diminishing from its peak, but will still be high for a bit longer.

The good news is that I continue to lose and maintain my weight. For all you playing along at home, my weight is now 276.0. Not too shabby! Not the number I’d like to have 5 months post-op (29 pounds down since then, 36 pounds down from my highest in January 2007), but much better than the alternative of going higher and higher. In the past, stress has led me to eat and therefore gain weight. So I’m going to call this a victory.

In other victorious-ness, I have gotten back into exercise. I walked so much in China and wanted to keep the activity going when I got back. Curves is my workout of choice and I’ve been giving it all I’ve got every time I go. I can work up a real sweat there when I want to. Things always feel better when I work out, but it’s so hard to make it a priority. And with my fibromyalgia, my body often feels like crap. When I’m popping the vic0din and dealing with pain so bad I can hardly see straight (like I have been lately with all this stress), exercise has no natural appeal. I’m proud of myself for going anyway. I want to remember how much better I feel mentally and physically afterward. In a paradoxical effect, research (and personal experience) have shown that exercise really helps the fibro. It also provides a way to get out of the mental hamster wheel my brain loves to spin. Thanks also to Dagny for the exercise inspiration!

I did buy ice cream the other day, though, and have made a huge dent in it. Must. Stop. I’ve got to focus on the way I feel when I eat better and exercise. I can’t change my circumstances right now, but I can develop better ways to deal with stress. Two steps forward, one step back is still one step in the right direction.

I’ve cut waaaaaaay back on alcohol, too. I know that’s made a difference in my weight (and helped me find other ways to deal with stress…I’ve never been alcoholic and never drink to get drunk, but that pattern is in my family so it starts to scare me when I have a couple drinks “to relax”).

So much more to say, and hopefully I’ll find the time and inspiration soon.

Thanks again for your care and support. I love hearing from you, and reading your blogs for inspiration as I continue my long journey.

A Most Un-Ladylike Rant

there was no urge she could not suppress
From Anne Taintor

Why I am I not writing about my Lap-Band? Um, well, it’s because I’m FURIOUS. You see, I’m not so good at being furious. Even here on the internet, where the harshest yelling is just CAPS LOCK, I have a bit of trouble showing my anger. See, I was raised to be quiet, polite and unobtrusive. Even though it was okay for my dad to explode on a regular-yet-unpredictable basis, that kind of behavior was totally unacceptable from my pretty little head. I’ve worked through this with humor and with lots of therapy, but I still feel quite a bit uncomfortable about being angry. It isn’t ladylike. It isn’t prudent. It isn’t logical. Of course, if I had learned to yell or vent or anything instead of stuff my emotions I’d be a much healthier individual.

But since I still often try to tap-dance around the rage thing, I’ve tried to be nice here - to see the ways that I’m failing (and yes, there is always room to look at that area and make improvements). But I can no longer escape the reality of my overwhelming feelings. I’m absolutely furious at my clinic. My insurance claim was rejected again (remember the first 2 times it was rejected out of hand because my clinic NEVER BOTHERED TO SEND THE INFORMATION TO MY INSURANCE, even though I was told repeatedly they had). Now my clinic sent them 70 pages of faxes, but it’s not what my insurance needed, and from my review, much of what they sent was incorrect. For example, they say I have diabetes and hypertension. Um, huh? I have no idea where they pulled that information out of. Maybe all their clients develop diabetes from how incredibly sweet they are BEFORE surgery and then develop hypertension from how incompetent and unhelpful they are AFTER surgery?

I have spent HOURS on the phone and have gotten virtually nowhere. Now I’m being billed by the clinic AND the facility and everyone is treating me like I have leprosy. (Perhaps I do? Perhaps I should shower more often?) My clinic claims they’ve never had this much trouble with my insurance before. I find that incredibly hard to believe, seeing as how their incompetence so far has been stunning.

Add to the insurance woes the fact that I STILL DO NOT HAVE SUFFICIENT RESTRICTION and I’m a very very unhappy little girl. Yes, I’ve lost another few pounds. The scale is now bouncing between 276-279 and it’s that time of the month, so I’ll commit to a real number next Friday when things balance out with hormones and bloating and all that other TMI. I’ve also been under an incredible amount of emotional stress, so I should be glad that I’ve been able to lose weight under the circumstances (instead of gaining 20 pounds + like I have before). Unfortunately, the lack of restriction and inability to get in for fills in a timely fashion, combined with the possibility that I may end up with a $20,000 bill partly due to the incompetence of my clinic is only adding to my stress level.

So, 2 pounds in 6 weeks. I’m unhappy. I’m very frustrated. And I put off writing about it because it’s not very ladylike to rage and fume.

Here’s what I want to say: RUN. Don’t go to my clinic. They are so sweet and supportive BEFORE you have your surgery. THEN they jerk you around. You can’t get in for fills. When you do, they are way too conservative. It will take you 6 months to get to the right restriction, and they will lecture you on alternate visits about things you already know – one time they will commiserate with you and promise to get you at the right fill level, and the next visit they will shame you for creating all your own issues and tell you that you have to do all the work, not the Band. They will not file the proper documents with your insurance. They will write erroneous information in your file, causing your insurance to distrust you for being late, and for lying. They will tell you that every other insurance claim goes just fine and only you are being difficult. They will make you regret you ever bought their lies, had surgery, and got a freaking Lap-Band in the first place.

$1176 Per Pound

I'm still angry and frustrated about my weight and the Lap-Band.

The last fill finally brought me the first restriction EVER. It helped me not eat between meals, but not to eat less at meals. I am choosing carefully to eat less. I NEVER get the "soft stop" or "hard stop" that Bandsters are supposed to have.

The scale moved down from 284.5 to 281.5. Down is good, but 3 pounds in 7 weeks at the beginning of my journey is NOT what this was supposed to be about.

I'm ticked off at my clinic, especially. For encouraging me to go ahead and trust the insurance process...For being so slow and over-cautious with fills...For not having enough nurses to service all their new patients (I can't get in for another fill until AUGUST freakin' 8!!!!!!!)...I'm feeling like I was sold an expensive service that is very lucrative for them and was dropped like a brick when I actually needed the help.

This surgery hasn't been worth $100 so far, let along the NINETEEN THOUSAND PLUS that my insurance is charging me now.

And the weight seems to have jumped back up to 284 in one day. Maybe due to all the VicOdin I've had to take? I don't know. I've been eating so little that I've been feeling faint. It feels like the only thing I can do at this point, and it still doesn't work.

This is ridiculous. Why the hell did I have this surgery? I could've just spent the money on yet another diet scam without having my body cut open and my bank account depleted.

I am raging mad. I have two big things I am working on in my life right now: lose weight, and figure out a treatment plan for the fibromyalgia. Neither one of them is going anywhere, despite great effort on my part.

Every facet of life feels like a sick, cruel joke.

Filled & Foreign

I went in for my fill on Thursday, and I keep thinking I'll have something profound to say (or at least something humorous) - but I don't. Shocking, I know!

Weigh in at home: 287.5 (and it has been 286.5 for the last two days, not that I've weighing obsessively or anything, oh no-no-no. It seems like I am always either avoiding the scale entirely, or having a love affair with it, secretly planing the next time we can be together - naked!)

Weigh-in at the clinic: 287.8 - I think. (I can't for the life of me remember the exact number, but I'm pretty sure the last number was .8, that the second and third numbers did not match, and that it was under 289. Sorry, you probably didn't want to know that much about how my crazy little brain tries to remember information.)

Anyway, the trend is back down from the high bounce to 290, but not any lower than it was 2 weeks ago.

I am feeling the restriction (hooray - finally!), but can still eat a fair amount. The great news is that for the first time ever, I actually feel like I have a Band! This is a welcome change.

There are so many new sensations to experience and interpret. I feel some "stuckness" in my throat - but it's hard to tell whether that is my Band, or my finally adhering to the "don't drink with meals" rule. I also find myself grazing less, and I'm pretty sure I'm less hungry. I think I am at a bit of a loss for words because I'm not not really sure what I'm feeling, physically. It's different, but I'm not sure what's what.

I have an appointment for Tuesday for yet another fill, which I was thinking I might cancel, but after the weekend I am now thinking I will keep.

It seems like I felt restricted at first, but now am looser. Is this a common Band thing? I can't decide if I'm really looser, or if I've just adjusted to the physical sensations.

I feel like a stranger in a strange land, but I'm very glad to be here at last.

I Stepped Away From the Samoas (but I'm Still Ticked Off)

Samoa from chado1982's photostream

I'm still feeling frustrated. No restriction.
None whatsoever.

I continue to slog through the other issues in my life. I'm coming out of another fibromyalgia flare. (Maybe it was the beer? Ha!) I knew weight loss would bring up the Head Issues and let out a bit of the Crazy that I had hemmed in so carefully and cozily with the Fat, but I wasn't prepared to deal with this slow start and unfilled-ness problem.

I haven't dared to check the scale since Sunday - I was still bouncing around 286.5-290.5. I'm discouraged, but am telling myself as long as the first three numbers aren't 291, I'm ok. (Not sure why that's my magic number right now, but I'm in no state to argue with myself). It is encouraging to be under 300 lbs, but it's all been from Hard Work and Starvation on my part. I'm too afraid to confront the Numbers head-on, but I'll jump on the scale in the morning so I have another reference point before my fill and weigh-in at the clinic tomorrow.

I didn't even binge today. I thought about it, and even defrosted the if-these-don't-make-you-binge-then-you-are-not-actually-breathing-
and-maybe-we-can't-be-friends-anymore Girl Scout cookies. But after 2 3 of them, I was full. I didn't want to eat more "just because I could". I was just done. I didn't want to deal with the guilt and fullness and aftermath. You could argue that leaving them alone would have been the best thing, and if that's where you're at in your weight loss journey, then I give you a hearty, chocolate-smeared high-five! For me, stopping at 3 was a Victory.

If I think about this too much, I get really frustrated. My eating has been so much better the past 3 weeks than the 3 months before that. And, I haven't had any alcohol since the infamous Mac & Jack's. Yet, my weight continues to want to climb. I feel like I should be losing, not holding steady or seeping up a pound or two (or seven).

I hate this because it feels like every other diet I've been on before. It feels pointless and frustrating and like I bought another one-way ticket to Crazyville. I got this Lap-Band for a REASON. If I could Diet and Starve and Exercise (like I did in my teens), I wouldn't need the help.

I'm in emotional limbo right now. I think I made an unconscious deal with myself not to dwell any more on the frustration until after tomorrow and my third - yes third - fill. I can't even anticipate what I might feel like afterward. My therapist has coached me (and has a dear friend) on what to say to the nurse and how to stand up for and get what I want.

What I want is restriction. What I want is to feel like this Lap-Band is actually working. What I want is a reprieve from this particular circle of Hell. If only Dante could have imagined this...

p.s. I'm STARVING right now. I am SO discouraged!

Grey Skies Are Going to Clear Up - Put on a Happy Face

Thanks for all the well-wishes and encouragement. You all rock! The SmartBandsters' Yahoo group has also been great.

I am still struggling with my Band, and apparently, with lots and lots of other Life Issues.

I'm trying to just take this One Day at a Time. And hopefully my next fill (one week from today) will actually, finally make a difference.

I jumped back on my scale today: 286.5. Looks like most of the "gained" weight was from my period after all. I'm now "only" up 0.5 lbs.

I'm also really proud of myself for not saying, "The hell with this!" and eating like crazy. I'm even staying away from alcohol completely (I miss you, Kahlua!). This is my One Victory here, so I'm going to take it and hold on to it until it begs for ever-loving mercy. And then I'll still hold on to it. I have to. I can't see any other way out.

To make it through this latest bout of depression without gaining more than 5 pounds (so far) is/will be a Personal Victory. It's not where I want to be right now - not by a long shot. But I'll take it.

This is NOT What I Expected

Another fill today. She added 1.5cc's for a total of 4.0 in my 10.0 VG band.

Weighed in: 292.6 at NWWLS, 290.0 at home (up quite a bit - nearly 4 pounds. It's my period this week, but it's still quite a jump)

I still have NO restriction. None whatsoever. No difference at all in my life now than before banding. (Except the scars, depleted bank account and psychological damage).

I'm angry and frustrated and still feeling duped.

I eat moderate portions (1/2 to 2/3 of my "usual" volume) and still feel like I'm STARVING between meals. My stomach is growling right now.

I have another fill visit next week.

I'm getting more and more depressed.

Fills and Flowers

Flowers from Marybeth

I needed some moral support before my fill this morning. Marybeth graciously agreed to meet me for coffee and a pep talk. She also brought me these beautiful flowers - in pink, of course! The color listed on the cellophane was "Life" - I thought that was a beautiful harbinger of a good day. I chose to get this Band because I am choosing the Abundant Life - life to the fullest. And this fill is the next big step in this Life.

Marybeth told me hilarious stories, calmed my anxiety, and gave me a big "you go, Girl" talk. It was exactly what I needed on this big day.

The fill itself was pretty anticlimactic - I had to do bizarre leg-lifting yoga-like exercises on a table so the nurse could find my port and then - bam! She inserted 2.5cc's of saline. I have the largest band, the VG 10cc band, so this is a very conservative fill.

We chatted for a bit about what I could eat before and what I might expect now. I was careful the rest of the day, but honestly I'm not feeling much restriction. I go back in every week for 3 weeks or so until I get to my current "sweet spot" - where the Band starts working for me by filling me up on a small amount of healthy food. More long, slow, deliberate work.

Oh yeah, and I also got weighed in: 288.8. Some slight regression from my PCP visit, but I'll take it! The nurse was excited for me - I'm currently losing 2.6 lbs/wk by their calculations. I really appreciated the affirmation. One of the things I love about my clinic is that almost all of their employee (and all their fill nurses, I believe) have Lap-Bands themselves. They have been here. They understand. They are not going to blow sunshine up my arse, but they are going to acknowledge my efforts and encourage me where I need to change. The nurse who filled me today commiserated with me - she was ravenous until her 3rd fill and truly experienced Bandster Hell! It was encouraging to hear that - it reminds me that when my Band starts working, it will really work! I'm doing great now to be losing weight even without my "tool" working for me.

I'll weigh in tomorrow on my own scale, so I can compare apples to apples. I promise.

Oh, and I managed to stay away from the damn Jitterbugs tonight. Things are looking up!

Update (Thurs 6/14): Jumped on the scale this am as promised: 286. Not too bad! Last week I was both 288.5 and 285. If I can keep the Jitterbugs at bay, I'll be fine. Since I have another official fill visit next week, I'm feeling really motivated to make that scale go consistently down!

Climb Back on that Horse

I got on the scale again today: back down to 285.

That felt good.

It's so interesting how sometimes the scale reflects how I feel physically, and sometimes it does not. The last 2 days, my husband had said how I was looking skinnier. And I was feeling skinnier. My clothes felt baggier and my waistband felt looser. So I decided to jump on the scale.

This time, it reflected how I felt. It doesn't always. Sometimes, the Numbers and Feelings don't match. This time, they did.


And yes, yes, I know - I've got to lay off the margaritas. And the Jitterbugs. *Sigh*.

Facing the Scale: Issues and Numbers

Well, I did it. I got on the scale this morning. Right after my shower (and after I dried my hair to get rid of all the water weight, of course!) I ran in to the other bathroom and jumped on it before I had a chance to change my mind.

288.5. Ugh.

My lowest was 284, so yes, I "undid" some good work by eating dangerously for a week. 4.5 pounds of "undoing", actually.

The scale at my PCP was 288.0, which is unusual - I should weigh more there than at home, buck-naked. But that's really beside the point, here.

Anyway, the numbers aren't the issue as much as the Issues around the numbers are. After confronting the Number this morning, the Issues started up again in my head:

• It's not fair that I gain weight so quickly!
• Other people don't have this problem!
• I was even watching my portions and "trying" to be good - what would happen if I really let myself go? (I did gain 20 pounds in one week once - in 8th grade!)
• This is never going to work for me.
• I'm so scared.
• Look at yourself - blaming every one else for your problems!
• Why did you go and have surgery if you're still going to be such a failure?
  
• Maybe I should have said "no" to the 4th margarita.
• Holy cow, this is going to be a long, slow road.

I have a host of Issues to work out. But I've got to do them slowly, and with love. Pummeling and squelching the Issues with shame will not have a permanent effect - believe me, I know this first-hand. Real change is from the inside out and only works long-term when it has the right reasons behind it. It may take longer to do it this way, but it's the only way to truly heal.

Holy cow, this is going to be a long, slow road.

Afraid of the Scale

I have an appointment tomorrow with my beloved PCP.

I am terrified to get on the scale.

I am afraid that one week of food freedom undid 4 weeks of work.

I hate having my life ruled by a number.

More on "What Do Real Women Actually Weigh?"

Another perspective, from a totally HWP (height-weight-proportional) and non-WLS person, Evany Thomas. Reading Anne's post of yesterday reminded me of Evany's post of a few years ago:

In any case, no wonder the online personals are littered with men looking for women between 5'8" and 5'11" and 90 and 120 pounds. That's what they think women actually weigh!

After my ad on Nerve was featured as a personal of the day, I went out on a date with this guy who told me he had never seen my ad before it got plastered all over EVERY SINGLE WEBSITE ON THE PLANET. We mused for awhile about why that was, because I had posted my ad weeks before then. "Oh! I know," he said, happy to have finally hit upon the reason, "it's your weight!"

(...)

The thing is, I don't think people, especially boys, even know how much girls weigh. For years my weight hovered around the 160 mark. An ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for like six months when the topic of weight randomly came up, and he admitted that he was surprised that I weighed as much as I did. And this was someone who had seen me naked. With all the lights on! "How much did you think I weighed?" I asked. "I don't know, 135? Uhhh ... 140?" he said. "Are you saying that because that's what you thought I weighed, or because that's what you think I want to hear?" I demanded. "You know," he said, "I think I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Even though I questioned his motives, I was well aware that I didn't "look" 160. I'm 5'7", which has a "healthy weight range" of 133 to 147. Even though technically that made me "overweight", I knew that I was and am still cute and attractive and my body made sense with the size of my head and everything.

I have remembered this post for years and it still rolls around in my head. I've never been a "normal-sized" person (well, I was, but not in my head) so when people would talk about the skewing of the media, I felt like I couldn't really comment (at 300 pounds, what could I say?). Evany is beautiful, self-assured, fashion-conscious and NORMAL (well, normal-sized...she's delightfully quirky in every other way). I thought it would be nice to see some perspective on what some non-obese ladies think about the skewing of the numbers.

p.s. Evany is a great writer and is really funny. You should be reading her blog, too!

200 Pounds = Not Really As Fat As Most People Think

Anne at Body of Work posted a paragraph that I've been thinking about, but never could have come close to writing as well as she has:

"I've noticed that when someone wants to talk about a disgustingly obese woman who just breaks all bounds of fat and propriety, they say things like "God, she must weigh over two hundred pounds! She's got to be at least 200 pounds!" As if they had any idea what the means, or what that looks like. Over and over, I've found that not only do people have no fucking clue what fat really looks like, but people seem to have no idea what weight really means. As if there is some kind of universal body size for every notch on the scale. Men, in their personal ads, looking for a woman who is 5'9" and weighs 110 pounds? They are out of their fucking minds."

I've thought the same thing: the supermarket tabloids scream "Oprah (or whoever) hits 200 pounds!!!" and shows a doctored-up or bizarre-camera-angle-y photo of her, invariably shoving something into her mouth, and looking like the blueberry girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

We're supposed to react to the "200 lbs!!!!" and freak out, like "oh my gosh - how can ANY woman let herself get THAT BIG?"

200 pounds isn't really that overweight for many women. I'd say most women I know are "supposed" to weigh about 140-160, based on their height and build. I have chosen 180 as my goal, which at 5'11" is a darn-skinny-enough weight for me ("normal" BMI and just 4 pounds over the top end of "ideal" for my build).

I was 212 at my wedding, and while overweight, I was still beautiful and had a true waist. (I'll have to post a picture sometime). And even at 312, a number over the infathomable 300 mark, I still could wear pants made out of non-strechy fabric that buttoned, and walk without wobbling. I am/was clearly overweight, but I think many people would be amazed that I was 130 pounds overweight.

I also read that at support groups for WLS, people often share with each other what size they are so that others can get a true perspective of what "normal" looks like. I know I'll be needing that as I lose weight.

p.s. If you're not reading Body of Work regularly, well, I just don't know what to say to you.

Numbers

I've been avoiding this post for a while. I know you all want to see the numbers - the cold, hard facts. At least, if you're at all like me. I love to read WLS blogs and some of my favorite aspects of them are the weigh-ins and progress pics. I find real, tangible hope in seeing other people's numbers drop. And when the numbers are pretty high to begin with, I have found a real sense of relief, of belonging. I don't look at the numbers and say "oh my gosh - how could you get that big you enormous land mass?" Instead, I look at the numbers and find kinship. Very few of my friends could possibly imagine seeing the number "300" on the scale. Most people find those kind of numbers -or anything over 200, really - as something so outlandish, so science-fiction or daytime-talk-show-ish. I think many people use disgust as a way to mask their fear and horror. To see a relatively normal (?) person weigh in at 300+ pounds is too close to home, too scary. It's better to think about "those people" as "someone else", as some sort of anomolous freaks.

300 pounds is a society-agreed-upon number of "way too big". My home scale only goes up to 300, and for the greater part of a year, I'd only see "Err" when I stepped on it. By this point, I was numb from all the years of shame and guilt about my weight. Seems like a scale yelling "Error" at me would have shamed me into losing, but I'd become immune. I had to find a different way and a different reason for losing. Shame had finally lost its hold on me. Unfortunately, I had no idea what to replace it with.

I'll admit I was too afraid to do this post until I was well under 300 pounds and felt like I was going to stay there. And that is what Lap-Band surgery has given me most of all: hope and confidence. I am sure that thanks to my Band, I will never see the number 300 again. That's why I had this surgery: before, my weight bounced up and down, with the ups going higher and higher each time. It was terrifying and I didn't feel in control. I avoided the scale for fear of what I'd find, even when my clothes were telling me all I needed to know. The Band provides my safety net - my "bottom of the top", if you will. I know that as long as I'm willing to work, the numbers will go down. And when I fall into depressions or whirlwinds as I have done semi-regularly, I know that my Band will help my weight stay level. Never again will I emerge from a difficult time in life, feeling like I was "waking up" and discovering that I'd gained 40 pounds in 3 months. (That has been my pattern - my weight holds pretty steady, then I hit a bad patch and 3 months later my weight has skyrocketed between 30 and 70(!) pounds. And then I have the darndest time getting back down again, but am able to maintain the new weight without gaining).

My Band really is the Little Squeeze I need: the permanent hug of support to keep me from falling into the pit. I have great support: friends, family, husband, my deep faith in Jesus....but somehow the weight thing is the piece that isn't helped by this great network. My Little Squeeze is the last bit of support I need to be the woman, wife, mother, writer, person, lover, friend, Jesus follower that I want to be.

*******
Ok, so here are the numbers, as promised:
My highest weight ever was: 312 pounds (January 2007)
Through a low-carb pre-op diet, I was down to 301 on the day of my surgery (4/30/07)
As of yesterday (5/16/07), I was down to 285.

No one's noticed any loss yet, and I don't expect them to (25 pounds over 5 months on a 300+, 5'11" woman is hardly noticeable to most). But just yesterday, I could put on a set of shirts I love and button them. I haven't been able to wear them (except for unbuttoned, over a tank top) for a couple years. I can feel my pants getting looser. I'm feeling like maybe I can really start believing that this Little Squeeze is going to work for me.