“Too Much of a Good Thing…

…can be wonderful”, according to Mae West. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing can also be dangerous. As in having way too much fill in your Lap-Band.

I thought that maybe I had too much, but soldiered on, hoping I was wrong – hoping I’d just settle into the fill and things would adjust. Unfortunately, it progressed to the point that I was sleeping many nights in a chair because if I slept in a bed I awoke frequently with a mouthful of barf. Yeah, it was as pleasant as it sounds. Still, I kept going – I stopped eating after 7pm. I started drinking Maalox before bed. When my ear pain wouldn’t go away and I finally realized it could be a result of the STOMACH ACID washing into my EAR CANAL, I finally got the message and made the appointment.

What kept me going on for so much longer than was healthy for me? I keep asking myself this. I think it was sheer desperation. I was hoping for the Band to do more for me than it can. In some (most?) people, it does restrict portion size enough for them to lose the vast majority of the weight without having to work too hard, meaning that the Band provides an overfull feeling that is quickly learned and also prevents them from eating breads, pasta and the like. For me, about 25 pounds came off that way. The next 30 came through lots of hard work. Unfortunately, I still have another 80 pounds to go.

I am coming to terms with my reality. And I know I have other issues as well – the fibromyalgia and the subsequent pain and fatigue is a big cause of the weight gain. Emotional issues are big as well, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on those.

So, I had 0.7cc’s taken out yesterday (about THREE fills’ worth - sigh). I was tight enough that I even had to go down the hall and drink barium for a fluoroscopy for the first time ever - somehow that felt like a failure. It does feel good to not feel like I have a lump in my throat all the time, and to feel like I can sleep and function without barf shooting up into my mouth and ear (small pleasures – ha!). But, now I’m terrified to eat. This month, I’ve lost 8 pounds and have seen a huge shift in my body shape (this seems to happen every 15 pounds or so). I’m down a size in clothes (finally) and seeing great changes. I know most of this has come from all the steps I’ve made, but I also worry that the only way I've done it is by having my Band so tight. As I’ve mentioned before, not only does the Band not give me volume control, it does not prevent me from eating ANY kind of food. I have worked so hard this month: cutting my portions in half, exercising, taking care of myself, exorcising my demons…..I am terrified it will all go away. I know that if I keep my focus, it WON’T go away. I have to trust that I’ve learned enough and made enough progress to keep this up.

Days of Darkness

I was not doing well for a few days there. I felt horrible – the bronchitis/laryngitis was awful. But I also had a big wave of apathy. And a huge craving for large amounts of alcohol. In addition, my libido was down to ZERO. Which, if you know me, is extremely unusual.

I’m not sure where all this came from…. The after-holidays blues? I can’t think of any particular incident or thing that would throw me for such a loop. I had a few things going on – I hadn’t been able to make it to therapy because I couldn’t talk (and the week before we didn’t meet because of the holiday)… and I had not been good about taking my anti-depressant. I don’t know why I do that. Maybe because the pills weren’t going down? My band felt pretty tight for a while and I had problems with pills, but I don’t know what I was doing, letting my meds go. I kept taking my night medications, but the antidepressant fell by the wayside. Was it Freudian intentionality? I don’t know.

The apathy was really weird. I want to chalk it up to the sickness, but I’m not sure that was entirely it. I was 2 days late with an assignment for Chinese class (that truly was because I was so sick the idea of it overwhelmed me, and the online system kept crashing every 3 minutes), but usually I have the come-hell-or-high-water kind of perseverance. It was strange to know I was blowing a deadline and not really care that much. It didn’t feel like “me”.

What scared me the most was the alcohol cravings. Three nights in a row, I drank a lot. All I could think about was the cocktails. The way the ice clanks in the shaker like elaborate gears as they become little cold and sweet floating crystals adding a nearly imperceptible crunch in the smoothness of the drink. The burn of the vodka. The sweet and sour of the amaretto. The punch of the freshly-squeezed Clementine orange. The many-layered spices in the gin as it goes down. Apparently I don’t want to numb myself with bulk and straight alcohol. – I want to do it with style. Although after a while I started using a tumbler instead of my pretty martini glasses (because they hold more). And I stopped shaking the cocktails (unnecessary and time-consuming). And didn’t measure (balanced flavors no longer mattered). I just liked the buzz – the tipsy feeling of everything going a bit soft around the edges. A numbing of my awareness – of what? My responsibilities? My frustrations? I’m not quite sure. All I know, is that I didn’t want to know. When it would wear off, I’d pour some more.

I never got drunk, although I was tempted – and I don’t know why – I had never been tempted that way before. Alcoholism runs in my family, so deadening my feelings with it is always a red flag for me. Even scarier was that one night I was determined not to drink, and I did it anyway. I sleep horribly when I do that – I toss and turn and feel like I never hit REM sleep. I had a headache all night (but it was gone in the morning). It’s been days now without a drink and I don’t feel the pull at all, but I wonder where that strong pull came from. Is it part of the Band? Am I trying to sabotage my eating/weight progress by consuming lots of empty liquid calories? It feels like more than that, but I’m not sure.

I also had big problems with restless leg syndrome. I normally have periodic limb movement disorder (PLMD), which is similar, but much less pronounced – it only affects my sleep and I’m not consciously aware of it. But for those few days, my legs drove me crazy in the evenings. I had to move them constantly to keep the creepy-crawly feeling at bay. I would sit in my chair, trying to keep that slight gin buzz going, and my left leg would start agitating me. I’d wiggle it a little, trying to quiet it down – thinking I had confused my brain a bit and was just feeling edgy all over, but then it would bug me again. It felt a lot like anxiety and depression - but in a body part instead of my mind. When I have it in my mind, I want to physically shake it all off, to slough off the feeling like a molting snakeskin. In my leg, I wanted to shake it off – like discouraging a mosquito to land, or brushing off a fly. But it was constant and more insistent. I kept wiggling and it kept bothering me. After I took my PLMD meds for the night, it got a little better. But I’ve never felt the restless leg so clearly before.

It’s been 4 days since I got on the antibiotic, 3 days since I’ve had a drink, and 5 since I started taking my antidepressants again regularly. I’ve gone to bed on a regular schedule the last 3 nights, and even got up early yesterday to work out.

Today things look so much brighter and things feel much more stable, but I’m wondering where the days of darkness came from. Is it as simple as the combination of being off the antidepressant and being really sick? I don’t know. It feels like more than that, but I’ll just have to keep living and feeling and thinking and praying and writing to find out.

This is One of Those Times...

...where having two blogs seems very artificial. For the most part, I'm very glad to have two blogs as to not make my main blog all about weight issues (and it has a slightly different readership, some of whom I don't really want reading this blog). But when my father-in-law had emergency quadruple-bypass surgery, it seemed bizarre. How can I post blithely about eating and bites and swallowing and barfing and scale hell when my husband's dad may not make it through another day?

You can catch up on the story at my pink toes.

The truth of the matter is, life goes on and on and on. My historical way of dealing with stress led me to 314 pounds and the stress isn't going to stop. The way I deal with it MUST stop, thought. That's where I love my Band. I haven't lost nearly the amount of weight I had imagined I would've by now, but I haven't gained any - in fact I've lost 40 pounds. The stress in my life doesn't seem to ever abate. I continue to look for better ways to deal with it, but it seems to creep in through all the cracks. Part of that is the curse of a chronic illness. It's like the debt you can't pay off - the mistake in your youth that haunts all of your days. Part of the curse is just the stress inherent in my life. I'm dealing with it better and better, but still have a long way to go. Cutting out food as a comfort is a big deal. Without the Band, I'd be much higher than 314 right now, desperate and miserable.

But I can't just measure my progress in what I haven't gained. The whole point was to lose 134 pounds and keep it off forever. I've been reading support group blogs and bulletin boards and am jealous of many who have lost 70 pounds already and were banded at the same time I was (April/May 2007). I'm in an introspective, refocusing phase. I need to find more ways to focus, work, and take care of myself in a sustainable way. Also, I get another fill on Thursday and for some reason this weigh-in seems like it has the highest stakes to me. I'm teetering on that "this won't work for me" feeling. I know that is partly true - the Band won't work FOR me, but it I WORK IT, it will get me where I want to go.

I should writer here more often. I worry about my posts being interesting/funny enough, but I guess I should worry less and write more. Weigh-in is on Thursday. I'll be back.

Big Fat Food Farewell...and Fills

To my "Anonymous"es: you probably are not going to like this post. You may want to grab your lean protein and Crystal Light NOW and run away, shielding your eyes. Or, you can stay, read it, and leave me sanctimonious advice. It's entirely up to you!

Yes, I am freaking about my first fill.
My fill happens in 2 days.

First, a word about "fills" and banding....
One of the ways banding is different than RNY or DS is that it is adjustable. The initial surgery is where they actually place the Lap-Band around your stomach. After that, you are on a 2-week liquids-only and then a 2-week mushies-only diet to allow your body to heal. Some people naturally lose weight during this time, because of the liquids and mushies. Some do not. (I did - yay me!)

The next 2-week period after this month of restricted intake is often referred to as "Bandster Hell". Why? Because in this phase, many people can eat anything. The band is not actually working at this point. When the band is installed (put in? secured?), it is left entirely unfilled. Clinics have started doing this to allow for the best possible healing. Some people have natural restriction because of the band itself, even with no fill. Some do not.

I do not.

I do not feel overfull when I eat. I do not PB (barf) when I eat too much. I can eat pretty much whatever I want to. I do find I am full for longer, and that I don't want to eat quite as much, but that is frankly probably just the result of being on a liquid/mushy diet for a month. During this Bandster Hell period, some people regain a portion of whatever weight they may have lost during the liquids/muchies phase. Some do not. (I did, but I'm afraid to fully face how much.)

So...
I am entirely unrestricted. I have slowly and not-so-slowly gone back to most of my "old" eating habits. Some of it has been unconscious, and some of it has come from the "oh-my-gosh-I'm-never-going-
to-be-able-to-eat-this-again-after-I've-had-a-fill" phenomenon. I've been having a big fat food farewell.

I'm afraid again to get on the scale.

I'm almost as nervous about my fill as I was about the surgery itself. I was so psyched up before the surgery: knowing the recovery would be a bit long and knowing MY LIFE WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE ENTIRELY.

And then, it didn't. Not entirely.

So slowly, I've slipped back into my old, pre-surgery life. Except, I'm actually post-surgery now. My brain is messed up and I'm having a hard time making sense of it all.

But now I am having those same pre-surgery feelings about my fill: OH MY GOSH MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE ENTIRELY. I was ready before, and now I'm not quite-so-ready. I guess because I had the reprieve. Because I have those sweet, sweet bad habits again. In one way, I'm convinced now more than ever that the Band is the right thing for me and I need it, Oh boy I need it. And yet, facing the reality of the restriction and PBing and learning and mourning the foods seems so big again. Didn't I do this already?

I'm looking forward to the restriction, but I'm also facing down walls of shame again. I thought I was past all this, past the back-and-forth, past the "will I, or won't I?". I thought I'd only have to wrestle with it before surgery and then the choices would be made, my path would be set.

The truth is, I could cancel my fill appointment, live in denial, and waste this entire endeavor. I won't, but it is actually possible, and that scares me.

If I'd had RNY or a DS, I wouldn't have this choice: my path would be marked out; I'd be forever, irrevocably changed. I know that with the DS and RNY, one has to make many many conscious choices, especially the farther one gets out from surgery - please know I'm not slighting the hard choices you have to make, especially all the hard choices about the foods you have to constantly avoid. It's just that sometimes I wish I didn't have so many choices. I wish it wasn't all up to me.

I know - it's the denial and inaction that got me to this point in the first place. And I know I'm going to need the Band (and fills!) to get me out. It's just long, slow, plodding, confusing work.

I've got to let this Little Squeeze get tighter and see it as the embracing hug I visualized - as the supportive, loving hug I need to do what's best for me, and in the right way.

Afraid of the Scale

I have an appointment tomorrow with my beloved PCP.

I am terrified to get on the scale.

I am afraid that one week of food freedom undid 4 weeks of work.

I hate having my life ruled by a number.

Cheesecake FATory

I went to the Cheesecake Factory last night with my best friends. I ate only 1/3 to 1/2 of what I usually do, but I was still stuffed. I had 1/2 my entree, and 3 bites of my dessert. I should have eaten even less - I was uncomfortably full.

I was proud of myself, yet still discouraged (I ate far more than the '1 cup' I should be eating as a Bandster).

I'm looking forward to my fill on June 13 - only a week away. But I'm also scared. Scared that I will have gained a bunch of weight back by then. Scared for all the new learning I'm going to have to do when I'm dealing with fills.

I have so much to learn. It's been nice to have this 2 week "break" to catch up - but it's been a bit scary at the same time. Hopefully I can learn slowly. 2 steps forward, 1 step back is still 1 step in the right direction.

Night-before Trepidation

My surgery is tomorrow at 10 am.

I'm getting nervous and scared. (Finally). I knew this was going to happen and was wondering when it would finally hit me. I'm so excited for "the rest of my life" to start, and I'm eager to get this done, but I'm still nervous.

I'm told that a common "first reaction" upon waking up from surgery is regret. I've heard it comes from the idea that they were feeling fine the day before and now they did something so invasive and made themselves feel so physically bad - on purpose!

I know I'm not going to have that reaction. I'm not trying to sound arrogant or special here, it's just that I have so many health and chronic pain issues (hardly any are weight related, by the way), and spend so much of my time in doctors' offices, having testing done and the like, that the hospital experience itself is not really out-of-the-norm for me. Also, frankly, I am in pain every day of my life. It's not like I'm going to go in feeling great (because I almost never do) and come out feeling worse than ever (although perhaps I am minimizing surgery, here).

Lastly, I had my tonsils taken out 5 years ago, at the age of 30. THAT, my friends, truly sucked. I was in horrible, horrible pain for 3 entire weeks. I knew I'd be bad going in, and it really was. I also knew it would be worth it to reduce all the throat and ear infections I'd had over the many years, and it was. The short term was horrible, but the long-term has been so worth it. I'm thinking this Lap-Band surgery is going to be the same way.

I'm starting to have butterflies and lightheadedness. I think it's because my habits are so drastically going to change. I'm getting the Lap-Band because I NEED the help to change my habits. If I could do it by myself without the Band, I would have. There are some deep psychological barriers I've had to changing my habits, otherwise they wouldn't so be so ingrained. It is going to be very very painful to change all these habits. I have been reluctant to change my habits for a reason. I know this weight has been my protection - my barrier against some deep hurts. I don't really understand why it's been so hard to let go of it, but I know there is much more here than just "eating too much because it tastes good". I'm scared to face the emotional issues. I'm so glad I have my therapist, my fabulous husband, and my amazingly supportive friends and family.

I feel like I'm preparing to climb a mountain: I know it will be long, hard, cold, exhausting, dangerous work. I'm going to slip. I'm going to feel like I've run out of air. Sometimes, I will hate myself for starting this journey at all. And then, someday in the next two years, I will hit the summit. I will look out from the top of the mountain and lose my breath at the beauty of it all. I will be scarred. I will have learned a lot. It will be worth it.