Restriction Rant

I have finally figured out that I am one of the (few, I think...) Bandsters who never experience "true" restriction: you know, the kind we were all hoping for when we had this done, the kind that says "you're full!" just before you PB, the kind that controls your portion size for you. Also, the Band is supposed to make it darn-near impossible to eat bready/starchy foods and even some uncooked vegetables. Nope. Not even now when I am way too tight do I have those limitations. I don't eat bread now because I don't want to, and it CAN get stuck, but it's not on the "never list".

I do have more restriction than being totally Band-less, sure - but it's not enough to get me to lose the weight. I do have a limit to how much I can eat, and will PB if I eat more than I should. Unfortunately, in order to lose, I apparently need to eat much much less than my Band will "let" me.

In search of this elusive restriction, I have gotten myself too tight. I really need to go in for an unfill. I'm sad about this, because it's been so hard to lose the weight, but I know it's the right thing to do - having stomach acid wash up through my esophagus a few times a day can't be healthy long-term.

I know, I know, "the Band is just a tool". I hear ya', and I knew that going in. But if we admit it, don't we all wish for it to be easy enough? I mean: you watch the quality of your food, and the Band watches your portions for you and then, voila! - all the weight is gone? I know the last 20 pounds are supposed to be hard, but the last 90?

I really didn't want to have the Band AND be on a strict diet, too. Especially reading some people's wonderful accounts of how easy it's been for them to lose the weight, and the Band was just that last thing they needed. I know the Band has been good for me, and it DOES really help me stay full between meals - a very critical ingredient in diet-adherance. But, I was really hoping it wouldn't be so hard - not this early in the journey anyway (weight-wise).

At least now I know - no matter how tight I am, it won't be enough to lose weight without dieting. Not the truth I wanted, but the truth nonetheless.

So, the Lap-Band Update

Well, since I last wrote anything of substance about it, I have had two fills. And boy, have they finally made a difference. I know I’ve said it before, but I really truly finally feel restriction.

How do I know this time is “the real deal”?

• FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I have thrown up for eating too much (not just eating too fast, or not chewing enough). It was last weekend at a soccer party for my son. The avocado dip another mom made was Just. Too. Good. And I had a couple chip-fuls too many. Thankfully I could feel the trouble brewing and was able to make it to the bathroom (and thankfully it was empty except for me).
• I am finally feeling “full”. As in, when I obey the rules and adhere to “mealtimes” (snacking will kill you with the Band), I am not hungry. No more watching the clock and debating with myself – I’m truly Not Hungry. This is amazing.
• In a combination of the above two items, I am finally experiencing what Bandsters refer to as the “soft stop”. I believe a “hard stop” is what happened to me at the soccer party (easting too much and then having to PB/throw some up). The soft stop for me feels like a constricting of my stoma. I feel like I’m getting signals to not eat any more. If I disobey, I get the hard stop (PB). This is all new since my last fill on October 24th, so I’m still learning.
• I am learning to take small bites and chew chew chew. I know this is what we are supposed to do, but until the above happened, it was easy to forget. Now it is essential.

The scale numbers haven’t gone down much, but I’ve finally gone down a whole size or two: instead of being a 26/28, I’m most definitely a 24/2x. I was able to dig out some old favorite clothes and get rid of my 3x’es. I also had to get new bras.

I’m currently at 272, but my period is due any minute. I always thought that meant I was heavier and would lose after my period started, but a friend of mine always loses weight just before hers starts. I have no idea any more. But since I’m doing this NaBloPoMo thing to get back into the care and feeding of this blog, you’ll hear more numbers from me soon.

Thankfully, PBs Don't Come With Cramps

I just had my first PB (throwing up a bit because something got stuck in my band). I realized that although the experience itself was uncomfortable and unpleasant - I was actually excited. It reminded me of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. In this classic adolescent book, a group of girls are eagerly awaiting getting their first periods. It's not that they are looking forward to the cramps, the blood, and the inconvenience - it's that they are looking forward to what having a period represents: growing up, independence, and a tangible step toward understanding and embracing their unique sexuality as women.

I feel that same way about the PB - it's not that I liked having to abandon my laptop to run and puke in a public bathroom - it's that the PB represents my full entry in to the land of the Lap-Banded. It represents a tangible step toward this journey of self-awareness, consciously- chosen change, and worked-for rebirth.