Swamped

As has been my (unfortuntate) custom, my blog has been quiet while the rest of my life has been very very busy.

My mom was in the ICU for a few days (Good news: she did not have a heart attack and her heart is healthy. Bad news: she has atrial fibrillation, serious GI issues and a rogue ovary – all of which will require a long series of invasive testing and/or surgeries in the future).

In addition, my therapist is moving. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but I’ve been seeing her for 6 years. My life is night-and-day different since I started therapy. I have much less anxiety, my relationships are stronger and deeper, and I’ve been getting to know my “real” self and let her be more present. I’m in a bit of a panic over her leaving – my relationship with her is the closest one outside of my husband. She really “gets” me and has helped me so much. I truly feel she has helped me become the woman God always designed me to be.

I keep trying to come up with creative solutions to prevent her from moving to California, but I'm coming up dry. The solution has to be something where she would feel no pain, would stilll be able to see me, but would not be allowed out of state....ideas? I was trying to come up with some Wasington-only infectious-yet-not-to-me illness.......or, toyed with leaving a bunch of unattended duffle bags at the airport with her name on them so that Homeland Security would prevent her from leaving the state (do they do that?). Somehow, I don't think I'm going to find a solution before next Friday.

So, my mom’s been in the hospital, I need to find a new therapist, I’m taking two classes for college credit, I’ve been having a really tough time with the fibromyalgia, I’ve taken a huge step in changing churches (more on that later), I have two kids and three cats, I have my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it – I’m swamped! (And as Dave pointed out, I haven’t even got my health…unlike Prince Humperdink).*

I have many things I want to talk about, so hopefully I’ll find and make the time to get those thoughts into (mostly) understandable words and get them out here.

* Name That Movie in the comments!

“Too Much of a Good Thing…

…can be wonderful”, according to Mae West. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing can also be dangerous. As in having way too much fill in your Lap-Band.

I thought that maybe I had too much, but soldiered on, hoping I was wrong – hoping I’d just settle into the fill and things would adjust. Unfortunately, it progressed to the point that I was sleeping many nights in a chair because if I slept in a bed I awoke frequently with a mouthful of barf. Yeah, it was as pleasant as it sounds. Still, I kept going – I stopped eating after 7pm. I started drinking Maalox before bed. When my ear pain wouldn’t go away and I finally realized it could be a result of the STOMACH ACID washing into my EAR CANAL, I finally got the message and made the appointment.

What kept me going on for so much longer than was healthy for me? I keep asking myself this. I think it was sheer desperation. I was hoping for the Band to do more for me than it can. In some (most?) people, it does restrict portion size enough for them to lose the vast majority of the weight without having to work too hard, meaning that the Band provides an overfull feeling that is quickly learned and also prevents them from eating breads, pasta and the like. For me, about 25 pounds came off that way. The next 30 came through lots of hard work. Unfortunately, I still have another 80 pounds to go.

I am coming to terms with my reality. And I know I have other issues as well – the fibromyalgia and the subsequent pain and fatigue is a big cause of the weight gain. Emotional issues are big as well, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on those.

So, I had 0.7cc’s taken out yesterday (about THREE fills’ worth - sigh). I was tight enough that I even had to go down the hall and drink barium for a fluoroscopy for the first time ever - somehow that felt like a failure. It does feel good to not feel like I have a lump in my throat all the time, and to feel like I can sleep and function without barf shooting up into my mouth and ear (small pleasures – ha!). But, now I’m terrified to eat. This month, I’ve lost 8 pounds and have seen a huge shift in my body shape (this seems to happen every 15 pounds or so). I’m down a size in clothes (finally) and seeing great changes. I know most of this has come from all the steps I’ve made, but I also worry that the only way I've done it is by having my Band so tight. As I’ve mentioned before, not only does the Band not give me volume control, it does not prevent me from eating ANY kind of food. I have worked so hard this month: cutting my portions in half, exercising, taking care of myself, exorcising my demons…..I am terrified it will all go away. I know that if I keep my focus, it WON’T go away. I have to trust that I’ve learned enough and made enough progress to keep this up.