3 Good Things About Being Obese

1. You burn a LOT more calories per minute walked than skinny people.

2. You can drink 2 glasses of wine with hardly any effect.

3. Your father does not find you attractive in the least.

"Enough" of a Photo Comparison

Why I decided to take and post pics today, with no makeup and a shiny face is a little beyond me, but I did - so, here they are.

I always love looking at other people's progress pics - I can see the changes and love to scrutinize the side-by-side comparisons. But when it comes to my own, I loathe them. It's not that I don't like to post photos of myself - I don't even flinch from posting particularly unflattering ones - it's just that the "before" and "after" never seem like enough in mine. I realize this "not enough" feeling is a theme in my life that I'm still working through. So for today, I decided that these were enough for me.

You can click on any of them to see a bigger version (if you're feeling particularly brave). I see the biggest changes in my chin(s) and in my "butt shelf". (And - sadly - my shrinking boobs). I've had to give a bunch of clothes away and am firmly into a size 24 Lands' End/Eddie Bauer (which to me are a size smaller than Lane Bryant's 24 - at LB, I'm a 22ish now). I also like the way my shirts sit better.

I need to sit with this and let it be enough for now. I need to celebrate the steps and the long hard work along the way.

It's a little hard to see, but the right is "now" and the left is "then". From these two photos, there's a change of 41.5 pounds. My "total loss" right now is about 53 pounds (my highest pre-Band weight was 312 on 1/07).

Some progress pics:

Restriction Rant

I have finally figured out that I am one of the (few, I think...) Bandsters who never experience "true" restriction: you know, the kind we were all hoping for when we had this done, the kind that says "you're full!" just before you PB, the kind that controls your portion size for you. Also, the Band is supposed to make it darn-near impossible to eat bready/starchy foods and even some uncooked vegetables. Nope. Not even now when I am way too tight do I have those limitations. I don't eat bread now because I don't want to, and it CAN get stuck, but it's not on the "never list".

I do have more restriction than being totally Band-less, sure - but it's not enough to get me to lose the weight. I do have a limit to how much I can eat, and will PB if I eat more than I should. Unfortunately, in order to lose, I apparently need to eat much much less than my Band will "let" me.

In search of this elusive restriction, I have gotten myself too tight. I really need to go in for an unfill. I'm sad about this, because it's been so hard to lose the weight, but I know it's the right thing to do - having stomach acid wash up through my esophagus a few times a day can't be healthy long-term.

I know, I know, "the Band is just a tool". I hear ya', and I knew that going in. But if we admit it, don't we all wish for it to be easy enough? I mean: you watch the quality of your food, and the Band watches your portions for you and then, voila! - all the weight is gone? I know the last 20 pounds are supposed to be hard, but the last 90?

I really didn't want to have the Band AND be on a strict diet, too. Especially reading some people's wonderful accounts of how easy it's been for them to lose the weight, and the Band was just that last thing they needed. I know the Band has been good for me, and it DOES really help me stay full between meals - a very critical ingredient in diet-adherance. But, I was really hoping it wouldn't be so hard - not this early in the journey anyway (weight-wise).

At least now I know - no matter how tight I am, it won't be enough to lose weight without dieting. Not the truth I wanted, but the truth nonetheless.

Budging and Not Budging

Well, cutting my portions in half is finally working. The scale has been at 263 for the last 4 days, so I’ll finally take that number as “real”. It has taken a very long time to get here – especially since I already blipped here once, but I'm glad I finally made it.

I'm continuing with the brisk walking. It alone didn't seem to make a shred of difference on the scale, sadly, but I know in the long run it will be very important. I feel stronger, and I know how much my body loves it. I really really didn't want to go today. I was feeling crummy - muscles hurting, tired, blah - but went ahead and did it anyway because it was Wednesday by golly, and on Wednesday I walk. I did as always: start by telling myself I only have to go 20 minutes, and ended up going 40. I felt so much better after, it was uncanny. My body truly craves exercise - I have to make it a priority, whether or not it affects the scale.

On another note, I saw a message tonight on a board I read about a woman who just got pre-approval for her Band from my same insurance company. The one that said they didn't pre-approve. The one that denied me 3 times. I'm still a bit bitter. We're working on it as best we can, but at the same time we're having to make payments - to a collections agency. That makes me feel like total crap. We've always had good credit: to be paying a collections agency feels scary and failure-ish. I don't like to think about it because I'm supposed to think Happy! Positive! thoughts, but I think all these negative experiences have soured me toward my Band (and my clinic, and my insurance company). I'm still praying and working on it, hoping it will come out all right in the end.

In Half

Half a Protein Bar
Sigh. It's come to this.

I'm still struggling to shed the weight I want to. I'm walking (briskly) regularly, tracking my food carefully (birthday cake, Jitterbugs, and all) - and never going over my "recommended" daily intake, and I've given up eating after 7pm.

Still, the scale Does Not Move. Rather, it does move, but in a bizarre pattern: it plunges down 4 pounds, then shoots up 6 pounds, then limps back down a lowly 0.5 pounds at a time. At times, I wonder if I should look around for a hidden camera. Or, buy a new scale.

Part of the reason I got the Band was portion control. My understanding was that you'd learn quickly how much was "too much" and would even barf if you ate too much on accident. I also cut my portions in half.

Problem is, I can still eat much more than the 1/2 to 1 cup of food at each sitting that Bandsters are only "supposed" to be able to eat. More fills don't help (in fact if anything, I need a little bitty unfill at this point). Just a word to those out there getting the Band - for some of us, it doesn't really restrict portions. It DOES help a lot with hunger between meals, and my meals are much much smaller, but from the scale's perspective, apparently they are not small enough.

So today I decided to cut all my food in half again. I really hope this works.

By the way, I've started using My Daily Plate to track my food. I used to use Fit Day, but the amount of data entry I had to do was daunting. My Daily Plate allows people to upload things to the group database (increasing your chances of finding a food you've eaten), and it also has data for many restaurants and grocery store items. [h/t to Beth for the suggestion!]

Workin' It

I actually bought a jogging stroller
much to Peter's delight

I blame Jenny.

Of course, it’s a bit more complicated than that.

I’ve known for a very long time that I needed to get into a regular exercise program. Not only for my weight loss, but also for my health. The year before I got pregnant with Peter (which was 2003 – seems an eon ago...), I was very regular at my local Curves – 3 days a week. I also embarked on an amazing (yet unsustainable) “cleansing” diet on the advice of my naturopath who was trying to help me with my fibromyalgia, during which I eschewed all sugar and limited myself to 100 carbs a day. The combination of these things, along with a high motivation to work on my body before getting pregnant again helped me shed 30 pounds and get down to the exact same pre-baby weight I had before Henry.

Then I had a difficult pregnancy, including lots of early labor and lots of pain from my fibromyalgia.

Then came a baby. Getting up at 7:00 to work out before my husband went to work became practically impossible if I wanted to have any grip on sanity whatsoever. Not to mention be hospitable (let alone loving and nurturing) to my brood of two.

Then Dave got a new job a bit farther away. I would now have to get up at 6:15 to go work out. There was no way this was going to happen. I was sure I’d figure something else out. Once in a great while I got up at 6:15. Sometimes I went when I had childcare.

Then, I fell down the stairs and pulled most of the ligaments in my left ankle. Since I had a toddler and couldn’t exactly stay off of it (ha!), I ended up being in an orthotic boot for the better part of 6 months. During this time, I took up Yoga, which has been healing and strengthening for me on so many levels, but regular cardio work was out of the question.

I got up early and swam sometimes, but the “early” part continued to be a problem.
Underlying all of my attempts were/are the realities of my chronic health problems. Fibromyalgia can be helped by exercise, but the first few weeks/months of working out make you feel worse instead of better. You have to push through that, listen to your body, and persist to break through to the other side. I’ve done it before, but it seemed so insurmountable this time.

So, back to Jenny. She’s been such an inspiration: changing her attitudes about food and fitness, and being totally kickass about running – working up from nothing to a freakin’ half-marathon! (Ok, and she gets up at 4:30 to run. I think she’s a little bit crazy, but that’s beside the point for now). Jenny’s example, combined with therapy and some good brainstorming led me to realize that I have to find a regular form of exercise that involves my children. With taking 15 credits this year, and trying to get enough skills to start my own business, my childfree time is all taken up – I can’t “spend” hours of it a week on working out.

So, I took up walking. For real – vigorous walking. Up hills. Lots of hills. I even bought a jogging stroller on Craig’s List – something I’ve never ever had the need for up till now.

Every time I go out, I tell myself I need to do 20 minutes, which includes the Big Hill. Anything over that is entirely optional. I figured out that according to our weekly family schedule, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday are the best days for me to walk – so I am building it into the “must do” lists for those days. Last week I missed Thursday (it was Spring Break for my oldest and so our schedule was whacked). So I GOT UP EARLY and walked for 40 minutes on Friday, IN THE RAIN. This was when I knew Jenny had completely convinced me. Well, and I had convinced myself.

So today I walked with Peter in the jogging stroller – what an upper body workout! I walked 55 minutes and we chatted about all the birds and trees. It was lovely. When coming down the Big Hill, I wiped out quite spectacularly, leaving a big bloody scrape on my knee. But, I kept hold of the jogging stroller. I may suck at balance, but apparently I rock as a mom.

So I’m experiencing the drawbacks to the exercise: my left ankle is bothering me again, and my right knee pain is acting up too. I’m also fatigued in the afternoon and need a bit more rest. But, I feel awesome! I am fighting through – icing deliberately for 20 minutes after each walk, and getting more rest when I can, instead of just letting the aches and pains get the best of me. I'm not quitting this time. I'm pushing through.

I’m frustrated that it doesn’t seem to make a difference yet in the weight, but I know it will. Things feel different this time in so many levels of my life. I’ve worked through a bunch of mental crap (Jenny calls it “the Crazy”) and am doing better and better. I've even logged my food (every single bite) for a week now, birthday cake and all!

Thanks, Jenny for the inspiration. I’m so excited to be in this place, bloody knees and all!