Turning the Titanic Around

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the Titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But Baby, you're not going down
It takes more than you've got right now
But just give it, give it time.

Amy Grant "It Takes a Little Time"

This song has been running through my head lately. It seems a fitting theme to my Lap-Band journey. It has been a long, hard road, but one very worth traveling.

I’ve recently been stuck with my weight loss (even gaining 5 pounds) and now seem to be “turning the Titanic around”. A while ago, I saw the number 263 on the scale. It was a brief moment, and I knew it was not going to last (I tend to bounce around and only count a number if I’ve seen it 3 days running). I hadn’t realized how much seeing that number freaked me out.

My pattern in weight loss has been to bounce around the 1s and 2s of the higher number for a while, then the 0 number, then bounce between the 8s of the lower number and the zero, before finally stabilizing at the 8 of the lower number, in which point I know I’ve entered the next “decade” down. (For example: 282, 281, 282, 280, 281, 278, 280, 279, 278). So seeing 263 meant I was about to bounce around that 260 number and finally dip below it, to work on the 250s. That was a significant milestone for me.

Why? Well, it’s a bit complicated. Some if it only makes sense in my wee little brain, but I’m sharing it in the off chance that someone is as odd as me when it comes to the amazing subconscious power of milestones and the subconscious sabotage they can cause.

There are a few different things going on…

1. I was 250-255 for a huge chunk of my “professional life”. I know I wasn’t thin, but it’s the last weight where I remember feeling good about how I looked sometimes. At this weight, I still tucked my Lands’ End oxford shirts into my size 20 (non-W) pants and felt like a semi-normal person. I know this weight seems huge to many of you, but I am 5’11” and have a very big build. I was clearly overweight, but didn’t seem so freakishly-give-it-up-obese at this point.
2. I weighed 249 pounds exactly both times I got pregnant. I love my two children dearly, but don’t want another child. Some part of my irrational brain says that if I get back down to 249, I’ll get pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy, so we have the birth control covered (we hope) but it’s a weird fear of mine, and one that I feel guilty about having.
3. Under 250 is such uncharted territory for me. 250-314 is a more familiar road of bouncing back and forth and being pregnant and post-partum and ..and..and… Going below that is going to force me to confront and deal with even more issues in my past that I’m not quite aware of, and not looking forward to processing.

Thankfully, I’ve been working on a lot of things in therapy, and am feeling a bit more like I’m ready to go below 260. I’ve taken a few concrete steps to help me get there. I got another fill, which helps some (I think I may be one of those people who never gets “great” restriction, but the Band does help), and I’ve asked for help. For example, Easter candy is my absolute downfall. I can take or leave Halloween candy to some extent, but seem powerless at this point in the face of Reese’s eggs or Cadbury Mini Eggs. So I swallowed my pride and shame and asked someone else to be in charge of filling eggs for our Easter party. I know that if I fill the eggs, I’ll eat far too many bags (yes, bags) of candy on my own. This asking for help is a big step.

Also, I’m working on pushing through many of the issues that are lurking under the surface and slowly and surely my therapist and I are gently but firmly working through some scary, deep-seated issues.

So, it may “take more than I’ve got right now”, but I’m “giving it time”, and most importantly, asking for the help I need despite the shame and fear that goes with it.

“Baby, I’m not going down!” I’m going to do this, no matter how hard it is, or how long it takes.