“Too Much of a Good Thing…

…can be wonderful”, according to Mae West. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing can also be dangerous. As in having way too much fill in your Lap-Band.

I thought that maybe I had too much, but soldiered on, hoping I was wrong – hoping I’d just settle into the fill and things would adjust. Unfortunately, it progressed to the point that I was sleeping many nights in a chair because if I slept in a bed I awoke frequently with a mouthful of barf. Yeah, it was as pleasant as it sounds. Still, I kept going – I stopped eating after 7pm. I started drinking Maalox before bed. When my ear pain wouldn’t go away and I finally realized it could be a result of the STOMACH ACID washing into my EAR CANAL, I finally got the message and made the appointment.

What kept me going on for so much longer than was healthy for me? I keep asking myself this. I think it was sheer desperation. I was hoping for the Band to do more for me than it can. In some (most?) people, it does restrict portion size enough for them to lose the vast majority of the weight without having to work too hard, meaning that the Band provides an overfull feeling that is quickly learned and also prevents them from eating breads, pasta and the like. For me, about 25 pounds came off that way. The next 30 came through lots of hard work. Unfortunately, I still have another 80 pounds to go.

I am coming to terms with my reality. And I know I have other issues as well – the fibromyalgia and the subsequent pain and fatigue is a big cause of the weight gain. Emotional issues are big as well, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on those.

So, I had 0.7cc’s taken out yesterday (about THREE fills’ worth - sigh). I was tight enough that I even had to go down the hall and drink barium for a fluoroscopy for the first time ever - somehow that felt like a failure. It does feel good to not feel like I have a lump in my throat all the time, and to feel like I can sleep and function without barf shooting up into my mouth and ear (small pleasures – ha!). But, now I’m terrified to eat. This month, I’ve lost 8 pounds and have seen a huge shift in my body shape (this seems to happen every 15 pounds or so). I’m down a size in clothes (finally) and seeing great changes. I know most of this has come from all the steps I’ve made, but I also worry that the only way I've done it is by having my Band so tight. As I’ve mentioned before, not only does the Band not give me volume control, it does not prevent me from eating ANY kind of food. I have worked so hard this month: cutting my portions in half, exercising, taking care of myself, exorcising my demons…..I am terrified it will all go away. I know that if I keep my focus, it WON’T go away. I have to trust that I’ve learned enough and made enough progress to keep this up.