Field Trip to the Familiar
So I went in for a fill today. I was up 5 pounds. Truthfully, for how bad this last month has been, I got off easy. That and it’s my monthly-bloating time, so the damage may not even be a whole 5 pounds. But still, 5 pounds up is NOT where I should be going. That only makes me about 12 pounds down since LAST AUGUST.
I have debated whether or not to go in and finally bit the bullet and went today. I have been wide open lately. Pizza-open. Bagels-open. If you have a Band, you KNOW that’s wide, wide open.
But I have so much self-doubt. Am I really that open? Or am I just pushing it? I remember what it was like to choke on a bit of bread, so I really think it’s that I need more fill. Or is it that I’m just a failure? As always. As every time before.
My mind wants to hop on the subway to
The nurse today was the usual mix of encouragement “It’s only 5 pounds – you were on vacation. You’ll get it off no problem” and shame “What are you doing eating crap like that? When you’ve still got 80 pounds to lose like you do, you shouldn’t even let yourself near that stuff!” Um, thanks? Really, does that shame stuff work on folks? If it did, wouldn’t we all be Kiera-Knightly-thin by now? If shame=ability to lose weight, I’d be in rehab with an IV right now, hanging on to consciousness. Is it really helpful to get it from the very same clinic that assured you they were there to help and that they understood why all the shaming/etc of your past didn't work?
I need some focus and some clarity. In a few areas of my life. It’s coming – I hope. Slowly.
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6 comments:
I am fairly wide open as well and will go for a fill on Thursday this week.
I'm not a huge bread person so that helps, but I'm having a hard time "dieting" and keeping calories/carbs down where they should be. I HATE that choking on bread feeling and I still want to be able to eat my Sprouted Rye & Sprouted Wheat bread toast on occasion (only 4 net carbs and super duper low in calories).
Anyways, I hear ya! Guilt NEVER works on me, that's for sure.
((hugs)) Keep trying. You will do it!
I'm writing in the hope that you will share some information with us. I started reading this blog, and others like it, because I was going through the process of getting approval for this surgery. Well, I have successfully completed that process, and all that remains now is to schedule the surgery. But I'm concerned by what I read on your blog. It seems like you are not very satisfied with your results so far. Would you mind revealing exactly how much weight you have lost since surgery, how much you had hoped/planned to lose by this point, and why, in your opinion, you haven't met your expectations? I would be grateful.
For what it's worth, I'd sure love to hear much more about that too.
Amen, Maryg!
Thanks for the question.
I'll draft a post (hopefully soon) about "expectations/etc" as I do think it's a good exercise for me and I asked the question of others before and really appreciated their responses, too.
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