Days of Darkness

I was not doing well for a few days there. I felt horrible – the bronchitis/laryngitis was awful. But I also had a big wave of apathy. And a huge craving for large amounts of alcohol. In addition, my libido was down to ZERO. Which, if you know me, is extremely unusual.

I’m not sure where all this came from…. The after-holidays blues? I can’t think of any particular incident or thing that would throw me for such a loop. I had a few things going on – I hadn’t been able to make it to therapy because I couldn’t talk (and the week before we didn’t meet because of the holiday)… and I had not been good about taking my anti-depressant. I don’t know why I do that. Maybe because the pills weren’t going down? My band felt pretty tight for a while and I had problems with pills, but I don’t know what I was doing, letting my meds go. I kept taking my night medications, but the antidepressant fell by the wayside. Was it Freudian intentionality? I don’t know.

The apathy was really weird. I want to chalk it up to the sickness, but I’m not sure that was entirely it. I was 2 days late with an assignment for Chinese class (that truly was because I was so sick the idea of it overwhelmed me, and the online system kept crashing every 3 minutes), but usually I have the come-hell-or-high-water kind of perseverance. It was strange to know I was blowing a deadline and not really care that much. It didn’t feel like “me”.

What scared me the most was the alcohol cravings. Three nights in a row, I drank a lot. All I could think about was the cocktails. The way the ice clanks in the shaker like elaborate gears as they become little cold and sweet floating crystals adding a nearly imperceptible crunch in the smoothness of the drink. The burn of the vodka. The sweet and sour of the amaretto. The punch of the freshly-squeezed Clementine orange. The many-layered spices in the gin as it goes down. Apparently I don’t want to numb myself with bulk and straight alcohol. – I want to do it with style. Although after a while I started using a tumbler instead of my pretty martini glasses (because they hold more). And I stopped shaking the cocktails (unnecessary and time-consuming). And didn’t measure (balanced flavors no longer mattered). I just liked the buzz – the tipsy feeling of everything going a bit soft around the edges. A numbing of my awareness – of what? My responsibilities? My frustrations? I’m not quite sure. All I know, is that I didn’t want to know. When it would wear off, I’d pour some more.

I never got drunk, although I was tempted – and I don’t know why – I had never been tempted that way before. Alcoholism runs in my family, so deadening my feelings with it is always a red flag for me. Even scarier was that one night I was determined not to drink, and I did it anyway. I sleep horribly when I do that – I toss and turn and feel like I never hit REM sleep. I had a headache all night (but it was gone in the morning). It’s been days now without a drink and I don’t feel the pull at all, but I wonder where that strong pull came from. Is it part of the Band? Am I trying to sabotage my eating/weight progress by consuming lots of empty liquid calories? It feels like more than that, but I’m not sure.

I also had big problems with restless leg syndrome. I normally have periodic limb movement disorder (PLMD), which is similar, but much less pronounced – it only affects my sleep and I’m not consciously aware of it. But for those few days, my legs drove me crazy in the evenings. I had to move them constantly to keep the creepy-crawly feeling at bay. I would sit in my chair, trying to keep that slight gin buzz going, and my left leg would start agitating me. I’d wiggle it a little, trying to quiet it down – thinking I had confused my brain a bit and was just feeling edgy all over, but then it would bug me again. It felt a lot like anxiety and depression - but in a body part instead of my mind. When I have it in my mind, I want to physically shake it all off, to slough off the feeling like a molting snakeskin. In my leg, I wanted to shake it off – like discouraging a mosquito to land, or brushing off a fly. But it was constant and more insistent. I kept wiggling and it kept bothering me. After I took my PLMD meds for the night, it got a little better. But I’ve never felt the restless leg so clearly before.

It’s been 4 days since I got on the antibiotic, 3 days since I’ve had a drink, and 5 since I started taking my antidepressants again regularly. I’ve gone to bed on a regular schedule the last 3 nights, and even got up early yesterday to work out.

Today things look so much brighter and things feel much more stable, but I’m wondering where the days of darkness came from. Is it as simple as the combination of being off the antidepressant and being really sick? I don’t know. It feels like more than that, but I’ll just have to keep living and feeling and thinking and praying and writing to find out.