SKIRTing the Issue, OR the one in which I go a little crazy with Photoshop

Even though my weight loss is not what I had dreamed at this point, I was feeling a bit encouraged last week and decided I really needed a skirt. I have not worn a skirt in 2 years. I wanted that free, kicky, summer-y feeling of a knee-length denim skirt. I found one at the Avenue online that was not only ON SALE, but also concealed underneath a pair of cotton shorts (which would prevent the awful chub-rubbing and inevitable rashing of my ample thighs). I ordered it, dreaming of the cute, curvy shape my new slightly smaller body would exhibit.

I envisioned this:

but I knew that such fashionable, a-lined curviness was not being realistic. So, I changed my expectation to something more like this:

Never in my wildest, most reality-framed daydreams (you know, the ones in which yes, I AM audited by the IRS and yes, my that lipstick IS too dark on me and yes, that little thing on my face IS cancer), did I think the ACTUAL skirt would look like this:

Oh. My. Gosh!
Apparently, my waist (ass) is sooo much wider than my legs are long. I'm sure you all have known this about me for a very long time, and I appreciate your not telling me because, well, some denial can be a beautiful coping mechanism. I should've figured this out, because I buy my husband's pants. "Huh?", you say? - well, my husband is a 38-34, meaning his waist measurement is 38" and his inseam is 34". Take 1/2 of 38 and you get 19 - which is how many inches across his pants are when you look at them (because the other 19 inches go around the back and cover his butt). My waist measurement is nowhere NEAR 38 inches.

Let's dig in to the last time I measured my waist...ok, here we go...back in January it was 49 inches. That doesn't seem TOO horrific, except for the fact that I'm a curvy gal. My waist actually dips in an hourglass-esque fashion (when viewed from the front, mind you). I know this will be a great trait once I've lost the weight, but for now it makes things a bit tricky. See, my "abdomen" measurement (chubbiest part of my tummy) is a whopping 57.75 inches, with my hips (ass) creeping up to 59 inches. Half of 59 is almost 30!! And my inseam (on full-length bootcut PANTS) is only 33"! So the length of this skirt, inseam-wise (I know, I know, skirts don't HAVE inseams) can't be any longer than 15 inches. Duh - no wonder the skirt was a bizarre sideways rectangle. It was still quite a mind-bender that I'm not sure I want to grasp.

Besides being so strange-looking right out of the package, my new skirt has another very common problem. Since my waist and abdomen measurements are so far apart, most things that fit at my ample patoot gap widely at my slightly curvy waist.

I end up looking like I'm trying to be a human funnel:

These large gaps between my waist and my waistBAND can be quite useful - for hiding items like money, lipstick, meds, and baby elephants. But for the most part, it's just frustrating.

The worst gap of all is the gap in back - I've got at least 5 inches pooching out in the small of my back where the fabric doesn't meet my waist. Then, four inches to the south, all the fabric stretches tight across my enormous derriere. This gap in the back is the most annoying. It makes my shirts flip out weirdly when I'm seated, and I'm constantly flashing my granny undies at the innocent and unsuspecting folks who sit behind me. I have no idea what to do about this crazy back gap.

I've considered letting the kids throw superballs into it as a game:

But the best news of all? The skirt was too big. On my waist AND on my ass. THAT part was a very pleasant surprise.