Wednesday Weigh-In

259.0

You deserve more of a post than this, and I'll get one up soon.
I have maintained for this last month, in light of everything I've had going on and I'm calling it good!
You can follow more at my pink toes.

Refresh

Sitting here, looking at websites, wasting time really. Now, I don’t think that looking at websites is always wasting time – I have many that I check frequently and dearly love – but if I’m repeatedly clicking “refresh” at Bloglines, I know I’m avoiding doing something else.

I need to get deeper into what it is that I’m avoiding. I have plenty to do, and plenty that I want to do. Then why don’t I do it? Sometimes, it’s because of the horrible fatigue that I get from the fibro (but if that’s the case, why do I keep surfing instead of going to bed at night?). Sometimes, it’s because I really am tired and need a break. Sometimes, well sometimes, I don’t know why I do it. I’m avoiding something, but I don’t really know what.

I have lots of things I want to write about – why do I never get to that point?

I have books I want to read….website redesigns to ponder….many things on my to-do list that have been put off for far too long.

I used to feel guilty about spending time on myself – on resting, relaxing, or taking time out for me. Thankfully I am doing a bit better about that and thanks to counseling can see sometimes when that’s the case.

But times like this, I don’t really understand what’s keeping me back. What am I afraid of? What do I really want?

Maybe I am afraid to know.

Swamped

As has been my (unfortuntate) custom, my blog has been quiet while the rest of my life has been very very busy.

My mom was in the ICU for a few days (Good news: she did not have a heart attack and her heart is healthy. Bad news: she has atrial fibrillation, serious GI issues and a rogue ovary – all of which will require a long series of invasive testing and/or surgeries in the future).

In addition, my therapist is moving. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but I’ve been seeing her for 6 years. My life is night-and-day different since I started therapy. I have much less anxiety, my relationships are stronger and deeper, and I’ve been getting to know my “real” self and let her be more present. I’m in a bit of a panic over her leaving – my relationship with her is the closest one outside of my husband. She really “gets” me and has helped me so much. I truly feel she has helped me become the woman God always designed me to be.

I keep trying to come up with creative solutions to prevent her from moving to California, but I'm coming up dry. The solution has to be something where she would feel no pain, would stilll be able to see me, but would not be allowed out of state....ideas? I was trying to come up with some Wasington-only infectious-yet-not-to-me illness.......or, toyed with leaving a bunch of unattended duffle bags at the airport with her name on them so that Homeland Security would prevent her from leaving the state (do they do that?). Somehow, I don't think I'm going to find a solution before next Friday.

So, my mom’s been in the hospital, I need to find a new therapist, I’m taking two classes for college credit, I’ve been having a really tough time with the fibromyalgia, I’ve taken a huge step in changing churches (more on that later), I have two kids and three cats, I have my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it – I’m swamped! (And as Dave pointed out, I haven’t even got my health…unlike Prince Humperdink).*

I have many things I want to talk about, so hopefully I’ll find and make the time to get those thoughts into (mostly) understandable words and get them out here.

* Name That Movie in the comments!

“Too Much of a Good Thing…

…can be wonderful”, according to Mae West. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing can also be dangerous. As in having way too much fill in your Lap-Band.

I thought that maybe I had too much, but soldiered on, hoping I was wrong – hoping I’d just settle into the fill and things would adjust. Unfortunately, it progressed to the point that I was sleeping many nights in a chair because if I slept in a bed I awoke frequently with a mouthful of barf. Yeah, it was as pleasant as it sounds. Still, I kept going – I stopped eating after 7pm. I started drinking Maalox before bed. When my ear pain wouldn’t go away and I finally realized it could be a result of the STOMACH ACID washing into my EAR CANAL, I finally got the message and made the appointment.

What kept me going on for so much longer than was healthy for me? I keep asking myself this. I think it was sheer desperation. I was hoping for the Band to do more for me than it can. In some (most?) people, it does restrict portion size enough for them to lose the vast majority of the weight without having to work too hard, meaning that the Band provides an overfull feeling that is quickly learned and also prevents them from eating breads, pasta and the like. For me, about 25 pounds came off that way. The next 30 came through lots of hard work. Unfortunately, I still have another 80 pounds to go.

I am coming to terms with my reality. And I know I have other issues as well – the fibromyalgia and the subsequent pain and fatigue is a big cause of the weight gain. Emotional issues are big as well, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on those.

So, I had 0.7cc’s taken out yesterday (about THREE fills’ worth - sigh). I was tight enough that I even had to go down the hall and drink barium for a fluoroscopy for the first time ever - somehow that felt like a failure. It does feel good to not feel like I have a lump in my throat all the time, and to feel like I can sleep and function without barf shooting up into my mouth and ear (small pleasures – ha!). But, now I’m terrified to eat. This month, I’ve lost 8 pounds and have seen a huge shift in my body shape (this seems to happen every 15 pounds or so). I’m down a size in clothes (finally) and seeing great changes. I know most of this has come from all the steps I’ve made, but I also worry that the only way I've done it is by having my Band so tight. As I’ve mentioned before, not only does the Band not give me volume control, it does not prevent me from eating ANY kind of food. I have worked so hard this month: cutting my portions in half, exercising, taking care of myself, exorcising my demons…..I am terrified it will all go away. I know that if I keep my focus, it WON’T go away. I have to trust that I’ve learned enough and made enough progress to keep this up.

3 Good Things About Being Obese

1. You burn a LOT more calories per minute walked than skinny people.

2. You can drink 2 glasses of wine with hardly any effect.

3. Your father does not find you attractive in the least.

"Enough" of a Photo Comparison

Why I decided to take and post pics today, with no makeup and a shiny face is a little beyond me, but I did - so, here they are.

I always love looking at other people's progress pics - I can see the changes and love to scrutinize the side-by-side comparisons. But when it comes to my own, I loathe them. It's not that I don't like to post photos of myself - I don't even flinch from posting particularly unflattering ones - it's just that the "before" and "after" never seem like enough in mine. I realize this "not enough" feeling is a theme in my life that I'm still working through. So for today, I decided that these were enough for me.

You can click on any of them to see a bigger version (if you're feeling particularly brave). I see the biggest changes in my chin(s) and in my "butt shelf". (And - sadly - my shrinking boobs). I've had to give a bunch of clothes away and am firmly into a size 24 Lands' End/Eddie Bauer (which to me are a size smaller than Lane Bryant's 24 - at LB, I'm a 22ish now). I also like the way my shirts sit better.

I need to sit with this and let it be enough for now. I need to celebrate the steps and the long hard work along the way.

It's a little hard to see, but the right is "now" and the left is "then". From these two photos, there's a change of 41.5 pounds. My "total loss" right now is about 53 pounds (my highest pre-Band weight was 312 on 1/07).

Some progress pics:

Restriction Rant

I have finally figured out that I am one of the (few, I think...) Bandsters who never experience "true" restriction: you know, the kind we were all hoping for when we had this done, the kind that says "you're full!" just before you PB, the kind that controls your portion size for you. Also, the Band is supposed to make it darn-near impossible to eat bready/starchy foods and even some uncooked vegetables. Nope. Not even now when I am way too tight do I have those limitations. I don't eat bread now because I don't want to, and it CAN get stuck, but it's not on the "never list".

I do have more restriction than being totally Band-less, sure - but it's not enough to get me to lose the weight. I do have a limit to how much I can eat, and will PB if I eat more than I should. Unfortunately, in order to lose, I apparently need to eat much much less than my Band will "let" me.

In search of this elusive restriction, I have gotten myself too tight. I really need to go in for an unfill. I'm sad about this, because it's been so hard to lose the weight, but I know it's the right thing to do - having stomach acid wash up through my esophagus a few times a day can't be healthy long-term.

I know, I know, "the Band is just a tool". I hear ya', and I knew that going in. But if we admit it, don't we all wish for it to be easy enough? I mean: you watch the quality of your food, and the Band watches your portions for you and then, voila! - all the weight is gone? I know the last 20 pounds are supposed to be hard, but the last 90?

I really didn't want to have the Band AND be on a strict diet, too. Especially reading some people's wonderful accounts of how easy it's been for them to lose the weight, and the Band was just that last thing they needed. I know the Band has been good for me, and it DOES really help me stay full between meals - a very critical ingredient in diet-adherance. But, I was really hoping it wouldn't be so hard - not this early in the journey anyway (weight-wise).

At least now I know - no matter how tight I am, it won't be enough to lose weight without dieting. Not the truth I wanted, but the truth nonetheless.